Talk about euthanasia (does that count as a movie spoiler?) — I stopped by American Eats (Dale Mabry Highway, Tampa, FL) on the way home from work today and randomly decided to take on their burger challenge, just cuz I’m like that. 4 patties, 2 lbs of Angus beef, buns, lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, mayo, ketchup, plus an entire goddamn pound of fries. Eat the whole shebang (#WilliamHung) in 30 minutes or less and get the meal for free (otherwise it’s 25 bucks) plus a T shirt…who could say no, right? Probably all the non-fucking-crazy people in the world. But I…eh…don’t fall into that category, for better or worse. Because I swear and eat towers of meat (insert obvious joke here).
The staff were relaxing in the pre-dinner lull, so I decided to inject some excitement into their lives and about 100 grams of saturated fat into my own. The owner was a pretty thin guy and he said he finished the challenge in 27 minutes, so I figured my odds weren’t terrible. Everyone laughed.
Spoiler alert, my odds were terrible.
The way the staff acted, I thought I was getting dropped into the fucking Mekong Delta to fight Viet Cong. Which meant they were drunk as shit. (Note they were not drunk as shit.) The kitchen was visible from the bar, so as I watched the chef prepare my highly salted fate, I reflected upon the wisdom of my choice. There was 0 wisdom. I had put all my experience points into things like Yelling and Asian Porn. I would be a very shitty Skyrim character.
Now you might be wondering (yes, all you readers who…read…this..) just how large the thing was, so here’s a glimpse of this nightmarish bovine holocaust :
I ate this. Or, really, I ate some of it, forced down some more, and wept pathetically as I tortured myself with the rest. And I still didn’t finish.
Yup, I failed. I got 3 1/2 patties and half the fries deep before I ran out of time. Here’s what it looked like.
Looking at that picture makes me want to die, so I’m ending this here. The moral of the story is that meat is a cruel, cruel mistress.